The average person would have quit by now. The average person would have said “where is God now?”  The average person would have fallen to drugs and alcohol or would have already taken their own life. A life cut short thanks to the abuse of others. A precious, beyond beautiful life that is worth so much more than they ever saw or knew. I have been through hell and back but many people who I meet or cross paths with never know that part of me because I can smile today. I laugh and go out of my way to meet people and help others no matter what. I am not saying I do not have wretched days, where it takes all I have to get out of bed, because I do. To say my life is great is a lie. It’s far from great. But just waking up and having a roof over my head and food to eat and this laptop to use- I am among the richest in the world today. I have been given a great family and am blessed by an awesome church family and friends that I love deeply.

Elisabeth Kubler Ross wrote “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen..”

While I don’t like to dwell on the past and try my best not to let it get the best of me and know I have survived and struggle with self-love and am always wanting to better myself as an individual, I can say that because of what I have seen and gone through it has gave me a deep compassion, gentleness and deep loving concern for others. I may never understand why me but that’s ok because God never gives you more than you can handle and there are def. days where I wish He wouldn’t trust me so much. But that’s the beauty of it all- He did and while there are times I may give up on Him, He never gives up on me. I can not explain fully why I believe what I do or how I can feel so full of love and forgiveness outside of the explanation of God and His plans for me. Yeah, we live in a pretty screwed up world where every 60 seconds someone is murdered and every 40 seconds someone commits suicide because they feel “hopeless” and have lost their way.

Having been close to death and knowing that I shouldn’t be alive has gave me more compassion and a deep love of life. I know how precious life is and it should never be taken for granted. For a while I thought I was nothing more than broken inside and used it to describe how I felt but in the past couple of weeks of spending time in God’s word and studying, I am far from broken. Jesus was broken for me and while I may have crappy days and fail to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes- I will always have hope for a better tomorrow. I can not explain this fight within me but giving up is the hardest thing ever for me while it is quoted that giving up is the easiest thing in the world to do.

Job lost everything all within a couple of minutes. He lost his sons, his wealth, his livestock. If that wasn’t enough he then became covered in sores and boils. He had every reason to curse God and die and in fact that’s what his friends and wife told him to do. He never once did though. Job stood by God even when He lost it all- family-material things and personal health. He questioned “why” and “why me?” but not once did he curse God.

From experience I can however say when you have lost everything and have nothing except the clothes on your back, it definitely makes you cling to God for then He is Your only hope. I remember sitting on my duffel bag on the corner of Granny White and some other intersection- earlier that day I had been dropped off at a homeless shelter by someone. Seeing guys fighting in line and hearing babies screaming and smelling the stinch that was in the air- talk about scary but more than that it was sad. I sat there and bawled my eyes out to God- and looking back now I don’t think I have ever been so desperate for God in my life. I remember bargaining with Him and begging just to get me out of the situation I was in. I don’t admit I get scared but I was scared and I didn’t want my life to just end. I knew I wanted more out of life and I knew that I couldn’t get it without God. Although I was lost and thought all was hopeless God blessed me with a stranger who then blessed me with a ticket to Jackson what then turned into a blessing of a great family and school that fall.

I have made many mistakes especially more recently since finding my way to Jackson and Freed. That’s human though. Everyone makes mistakes and in James it reads “who are we to judge?”. People make mistakes and do wrong and evil things in this world but we haven’t walked a mile in their shoes, have no comprehending of what is going through their mind, so who are we to judge. By no means am I saying that murderers, rapists, thiefs and whoever else are justified by what they do but they screwed up and yeah they did an awful crime but some where in their life I am guessing they weren’t shown love or maybe they have mental health issues or some other tragedy has happened that has led them down the road they walk and led them to committing such a horrible act. Stealing a penny is the same as murdering someone in God’s eyes. Its breaking the law. That is something hard for most to comprehend and even me- because taking someone’s life is so just horrible and beyond wrong but who are we to turn around and take that person’s life? I agree in jail and punishments but not the death row because what if that person hears the gospel in jail thru prison ministry or comes to God and asks for forgiveness- we just took a person’s life that could’ve had the chance to learn from their mistakes or come to have known God.

One of my social work classes with my favorite teacher at Freed-Hardeman University, we were asked to what extent we could forgive? One of the guys in the class said that he thinks of himself as a forgiving person but if someone killed anyone from his family or done any harm to any of them- he wouldn’t forgive. Wouldn’t forgive. That’s kinda harsh, especially given what he preaches about and to the position he holds himself spiritually. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so forgiving but I am. Whether it is because I have been close to death a couple of times or it’s all because of God- forgiving is one of the easiest things for me-it always has been and probably always will be. There are times where I wish more than anything I wasn’t but people are people, each one of us God created and we each are different-uniquely, one of a kind people. While God loves each and everyone of us- He gives us the freedom of choice. Life is short. Its our choice on what we do with what we are given. Each person will be judged though by what they have done in this life. I don’t want to look back and think that I wish I would’ve done this or that or forgave this person or been nicer to that person or whatever. I can love because the majority of my life I was shown and knew nothing but hate. God kept me safe and has blessed me so much.

I have been without, been among the broken-lost and hopeless, asked why too many times, but ultimately the only thing that can heal me is God. His love is so great- in Psalms 63 the writer writes “Your love is greater than life itself.” I can not explain why or how I can show so much love and compassion on others while others that have gone through things like me and far worse than me are addicted to drugs and alcohol, who cut to “release the pain”, who kill themselves, who never find their way out of the life cycle of hate and abuse. God’s love is endless and overflowing though.

I have screwed up and made many mistakes some more recent than others. The past has got to me and I couldn’t just ignore it last semester. At times it makes me feel lost and hopeless but it has made me who I am today. It has brought me closer to God and has instilled love and compassion on others in me. I know I can’t avoid my past because the memories are like the suitcases we never lose but I can use it for the good and to help others. No one can change the past but they can change the future and that’s exactly what I will and am doing. I want to leave a legacy, to leave this world a better place than I found it and with God’s help I know I can do all that and more.

“because Your love is greater than life, my lips will praise You.”-David in Psalms 63

“Come near to God, and He will come near to you..”-James 4:8

“If you love me, you will obey what I command.”-John 14:15

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.”- 1 Peter 4:8 

Sweat pouring, heart racing as I jolt upward in my bed gasping for air. It’s the third time this week. I turn over and notice it’s only 3:20 am and I want nothing more than to scream. My head is pounding and my body aches. Most of it is emotional and the scratchy throat is from the window that has been left open. I get down from my bunk and close the window and grab a bottle of propel from the fridge. I glance over at my roommate and she is out like a light. I wish I could sleep as deep as she does, nothing seems to wake her, not even when I’m drying my hair in the morning. I climb back up in bed but it’s not long before I get back down, giving up on sleep. It’s now 5:30 in the morning and I throw on my shoes and my headphones and head out the door running. I usually only run at nights but this morning, I just want to run. Sweat pouring, heart racing 99 mph, music blaring from my headphones into my ears, side starting to cramp, I should probably stop but I push on. Just one more lap, just one more hill to go, I can do this. Maybe all the years of hate and being told I would never succeed or do anything with my life was good. Maybe, this life was for me. It’s who I am today, it’s what keeps me going. Run….run, must keep running. I find myself stopping and sitting on the bleachers at the softball field here behind campus. I occasionally find myself stopping here. It’s a part of me that that once was on fire but now is as dead as winter. When I get scared or mad or when things seem hopeless, I run. All my life I can remember running. Maybe I have ran from situations and places way too much when I should’ve stayed and faced them, however I look back and see where I have come from and can’t help but thinking running is good. 

*This one is from last fall too…

** I wrote this last October and it was part of my one of my papers for one of my swk classes…

It’s freezing cold. Your soaked to the skin. You have lost feeling in your feet. Not the picture you want to imagine, eh? You wouldn’t want that for yourself, your family, friends or anyone, would you? It’s what thousands of kids each and every year face on the streets alone. They have no house, no food, clothing is scarce, all day and everyday they “spange”, that is to ask for spare change so that they might have enough for the next meal. It is estimated that 13 kids everyday here in the United States die from the effects of homelessness. Homeless youth is something that goes unseen here in the United States. You never hear about it on the T.V, radio, papers or other media.

 Last weekend I had the opportunity to fly out to Colorado to visit one of my best friends, Madison Chandler. While there I had a special opportunity to see what kind of work Madison does. Madison is currently working with a non-profit organization called Dry Bones Denver. Dry Bones works with homeless youth, or more commonly known as “street kids” between the ages of 12 to mid-twenties. Dry Bones connects these young people with resources, nutrition, entertainment, new friends, and a place to belong.

Saturday night Dry Bones had a fundraising event/silent auction at a local church in downtown Highlands, CO. Up on walking in guests were given an “identity” of who you were going to be for the rest of the night. They ranged from everything such as a parent who lost their kid to the streets, a girl who had been raped and was now pregnant with nowhere to go, a boy who ran away from an abusive and drug related family and is now on the streets, to a guy who has a college degree but can’t find work and has hit rock bottom. At the fundraising event, they had several rooms set up to where you could go thru and learn more about these “Street Kids” and hear their stories and see what Dry Bones is and how they help these kids and what they do. Some of the ways Dry Bones connects to the youth of the streets of Denver are the following:

·      Outreach on the streets

·      Home-Cooked Meals

·      Teaching Life Skills

·      Bible Studies

·      Picnics

·      Laundry Facilities

·      Coffee

·      Shower Facilities

·      Bowling

·      Hanging out

·      Just being there as a genuine friend and a shoulder to cry on or someone to laugh with.

One room that stuck out to me that night was a room full of papers hanging from the ceiling. The background music was the sounds of the street and cars passing by. Theses papers hanging from the ceiling were poems and stories of what it was like everyday on the streets or their individual lives. There was not a dry face in the room. There was a steady flow of tears flowing down every ones faces. The first paper I read was probably the saddest, it was written by this boy who was just 12 years old. He wrote about how cold and dark it was at night, that how this world was so cruel and how death lurked at his side, and how he prayed that God would just take his life. It was by far the saddest thing I have ever read. Just 12 years old, he is just a kid. A small and innocent kid who has known nothing but hate and has grown up on the streets. My heart broke in that instant of reading his story, his life. I just wanted to find this kid and pick him up and hug him and show him there is so much more to life. The whole room was filled with papers that hung from the wall telling stories and day to day life. Some of abuse, rape, fighting for food, drugs, and even death.  These are just kids; in no way do they deserve this.

Children should be seen and heard and loved and cherished and nurtured and hugged and enjoyed and admired and protected and encouraged and supported and praised and respected and appreciated and valued and helped and complimented and not hurt.

Later on in the night, I got to hear from a mother who lost her daughter to the streets. She came from a nice, loving, caring family. Her parents were divorced and she had been living with her dad, but she later moved back in with her mother. She was caring and loving and always had a smile on her face. She started hanging out in downtown Denver though and made some new friends. Her new friends were street kids and she even took her mother down to a place where a lot of the kids hang out to show her mother the kids were good kids, even though they were homeless and were without. The mother talked about how her daughter would spend nights with them and eventually just started living with them. They were real and not fake people. They were real in the sense that they didn’t pretend to be something they weren’t, they didn’t gossip, they didn’t do this or that; they were who they were and wasn’t ashamed of it. I never found out how the daughter died but her story was so encouraging and I could see myself doing the same. The mother and the rest of her family gather up supplies such as toothpaste, toothbrushes, sleeping bags, flash lights, food, drinks-the street kids favorite is Mountain Dew, and just anything that is necessary to survive, and once a week she collects all the stuff that has been gathered and takes it down to Dry Bones Apt in downtown and helps give it out to the kids that come in.

After the event I was sitting outside while Madison and others were cleaning up and everyone was leaving and some of the street teens that attended the fundraising event were outside and I overheard one of the older ones saying how blessed they all were because compared to kids in Africa or third world countries they are living in heaven. It broke my heart and made me even cry even more as so I am now. To hear these kids that have nothing, that get chased by police for sleeping on certain streets or in front of places trying to block the wind from hitting them, that have to “spange” everyday to try and get enough for some food, that have been hurt and abused and raped and beaten up, to hear that statement coming from their mouth was, I don’t even honestly know how to explain it; tears pour from my eyes as I write these words.

This past weekend has definitely been life changing in so many ways and I know without a doubt, exactly the population I want to work with after I graduate without a doubt. I always said that no one deserves to go through what I did growing up and what I have seen and how I would never wish it up on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I knew there were kids out there that have had it worse than me but this past weekend I was able to meet some of these kids and hear their stories and I wanted to bring every single one of them back with me and show them there is so much more to life than they know. Most street kids don’t get a second chance, I am very blessed to have been given a second chance and it’s something I will never take for granted ever again.  The words “homeless” and “kids” should never be in the same sentence. Ever.

There are so many ways you can help these street kids and just the homeless population in general. You can pray, organize a donation drive, “Spange”, Volunteer, give financial gifts once a month and so on. The opportunities are endless. These are just kids on the streets fighting to live day to day. They could easily be your daughter, son, sister, or brother or even you. Anything can happen in a blink of an eye. What will you do to help this ongoing problem?  

If you know me, you know how I usually hate big churches. I have always felt like from experience that most people aren’t connected and are less friendly and just go thru the motions and leave. While at Freed I usually attended Henderson CofC but I didn’t like it- no offense - i just felt like it was cold as so did and does a lot of people. Hillsboro Coc is different though. I love it so much. I have watched several Sundays how when we do have visitors, members and regular attendees go out of there way to introduce themselves and talk to them. I have come to know a lot of people in my short time at Hillsboro and Sunday and Wednesdays are two days of the week I can not wait for. I find myself wanting to be around those people more than just two days a week and being a part of a preachers family, we are. Whether its dinner at this or that persons house or VBS work days or graduation parties or whatever- we are usually with people from the church more than just the reg. sundays and wednesdays. I love it. The people at Hillsboro are a contagious kind of people. You can not leave there and not feel welcomed or loved. You find yourself wanting to be around them everyday. Its almost like you yearn for church. Isn’t that how its supposed to be? Its 750/800 members/attendees is like the best family ever- everyone is connected and its like everyone knows everyone. They show and exemplify such crazy love to everyone that enter those doors come Sunday/Wednesday. I am so happy and beyond blessed to have such a great church family and to serve such an awesome God. 

I love this family SO much. I am convinced I have been given the best most craziest awesome most loving family ever!! These past couple weeks I have not laughed as much as I have in like forever. There is never a dull moment here. From Haven (4 yr old.) to lil sweet Pierce (19 months). I am blessed. God has given me yet another chance and I found my way back and I am so thankful. I can not talk or even think about this family without smiling or laughing. Words can’t fully explain how much I love them. When I am with them I feel like I belong and am wanted and safe and for once happy.God is so good:) 

What’s done is done-lesson learned. For good this time. Seriously. No looking back. Only at what lays ahead of this crazy beautiful life I have been given. I am thankful for so much. I lost my life this past Jan. I had everything I could’ve wanted and like that I let it slip away. Drugs. Alcohol. Things I would never wish on anyone all took me over. I was soon finding myself drowning in the same hate I ran from years before and swore i would never go back to. But none of that matters now. What matters is that God is awesome. He is so much better than good- He is Great. With Him things are so much better. I was thankfully put on a bus by a dear friend and sent back to TN to more great friends. Friends that I never meant to hurt and didn’t realize I was at the time. I am back on track with God and I am loving everyday of my life. I have the best family I could ever ask for or dream of having. I can’t talk to anyone and tell them about my life now, or even just laying here before I shut my eyes- I go to sleep with a smile knowing I am blessed. I can’t tell you what’s changed- but I have peace about me and am happy. I feel safe and wanted and happy and all the brokeness and hurt have disappeared. Yeah I know there will be more great days and more bad days that lay ahead but I am back where I belong and feeling so strong like there is nothing that I can’t try without God’s help. I seriously am in love with everything and with this crazy awesome family and can’t help but smile. I wanna leave a legacy, to leave this world a better place than I found it. 

1. I am NEVER drinking that much tea before bed everr

2. Everything is so much better with God in it.

3. I have some pretty amazing friends doing beyond awesome life changing things in different areas of the world

4. I LOVE my family God has given me. I can not talk about them or even think about them without instantly smiling.

5. I could really go for some Sweet CeCe’s at the moment haha

6. 7 am is going to come way to fast

7. I hope i get a job soon!

8. Alan Jackson lives right across the road from me- the thought seems so unreal- i really wanna go jump the gate and see his house 

“If you hold on to the One holding you, there is nothing that can stop this crazy love from breaking thru” :)